In short, taken for granted.
This is not news anymore. I have been experiencing this since I was young. From the time my favorite late grandmother fully diverted her care and attention to her new grandchildren, to being ignored and bullied when I transferred schools in grade school until high school, to being dismissed by most friends whom I thought value my presence, to being seen-zoned by the people I romantically liked, to hearing crickets when I joke, to feeling morose as if I’m some lowly common individual to many people, to experiencing being taken for granted at work sometimes, to always being treated as a push-over until I reached my early years of adulthood (I’m 25 so).. and the list goes on.
The only time I feel special is during my birthdays. Somehow. However, even on my birthdays, it always felt that people are forced to come and greet me all thanks to the Facebook Birthday notification. It’s ironically sad that I put so much effort for other people but I rarely get the same amount of it from them.
I’m like a piece of trash on the paved road. Some people pick it up and put it in the bin. Some see it but choose to ignore it. Others step on it. Some people neglect it.
No matter how hard I try to convince myself that happiness should not be dependent on other people’s validation, it is and will always be the case. We’re social creatures after all. That’s why in Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, he put the importance of sense of belongingness and the need to love and be loved at the 3rd spot. No matter how laser-focused I try to walk the path all by myself, I still paradoxically need at least a companion by my side. In my journey. To my destination. But there is no one.
My self-esteem is flickering.
Yes, I do good. Yes, I’m quite the reliable. But I still question myself a lot. I ask and ask and ask. I throw a boomerang and it comes back to me with no answers. I feel ugly on most days. I feel deserted. I feel dejected. People would always say they reach out but they actually don’t. I don’t feel the effort in contrast to a lot of effort I put into it. And all I do is embrace the wallowing sadness and immerse my whole life into it like it’s become a part of me.
I cry in silence. I cry in the corner as much as I smile when I’m happy and alone. The emotional landscape is barren that even the presence of tears does not transform it back into what it was.
I’m drowning in my own pit of sorrow.
They say you only see the importance of a person or a thing when it’s gone. What if I’m gone? What if I cease to exist anymore? How do I cope with the enormous feeling of being lonely and isolated? What if no one is there to help? Would I become important when I’m gone?
I beg to disagree with Anna Kendrick but no one’s gonna miss me when I’m gone.
Maybe I’ll just enjoy being depressed ’til I become indifferent. Until I feel happiness, guilt, anger and sadness no more. Until I’m numb to the tinge of pain I always feel when people turn their backs on me. Until I become a hollow vessel that boasts no emotion.
It’s hard when people are used to seeing you in your tough exterior. When everything inside crumbles down, no one is bothered to come by and offer to pick up the pieces. It’s so hard to get rescued when there is no one to rescue you.
I’m so accustomed to the feeling of being taken for granted that I’ve come to accept it as part of my life. That I realize I’m even worse than wind. They don’t see my importance as much as I want to make my presence felt. It’s hard to bounce back when you have no one to encourage and re-engage you to the outside world. It’s difficult to maintain sanity when it’s hanging only by a thread.
That being taken for granted has become the way of life for people like me who are always invisible to the eyes of those we think are important to us.
That we’re simply taken for granted.